Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the „loser,“ and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to
M&M Mars, A Division of Mars,
Inc., Hackettstown,
NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.,along with a 3×5 card reading, „Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.“
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this „grant money.“ I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.There can be only one.
* Yes, you do have to floss.
* Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row.
* Learn how to speak before groups.
* When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go.
* Drink plenty of coffee.
* People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
* When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
* Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning.
* Learn how to fly-fish.
* Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction.
* You cannot always make amends with people.
* Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t.
* Hang your clothes up when you take them off.
* Except sweaters. Those get folded.
* You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened.
* It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look.
* Do not use an electric razor.
* Deserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
* Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
* Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine.
* After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer.
* Throw parties.
* When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
* And spend money to acquire their work.
* Yes, you do have to buy her dinner.
* Staying angry is a waste of energy.
* Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
* Do not make a second date while you are still on your first.
* If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs.
* No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
* Never date an ex of your friend.
…
rest of the list at source (john carney)
When you see it, you’ll shit bricks
Der Typ hat über 6000 Videos von sich hochgeladen… auf denen er raucht!!!
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=CONRADCIGARSPIPES&view=videos&sort=d
z.B. das hier
oder das, in dem er sein shirt zeigt.
